Saturday, January 16, 2010

My Personal War

There is a battle I've been fighting in the shadows for years. Only those really close to me know about it. It's not the sort of thing that I really talk about, but occurrences in my life this week have led me to think that maybe I should make it public.

There are a lot of different types of underwear in the men's section of any given department store. There are briefs, boxers, boxer-briefs, thongs, and jock straps. Choice is fine. I like having choice. It was about ten years ago I officially declared myself a boxers man. Boxers are comfortable, they're long enough that it isn't really weird if I have to answer the door or evacuate a building at two in the morning. There is a greatness I can no fully explain. I love being a boxers man.

However, my time in the boxer camp has been tumultuous. It pains be to say, as many men may know (but never say) all boxers are not created equal. There is a world full of boxers out there that fail to see the value of buttons. There is no excuse for this!

Let me explain. In the front of most pairs of boxers there is an overlapping flap. Good pairs of boxers have a button that holds this flap shut. You can unbutton this flap if needs be, if you're the type of guy that pees (or does...whatever) though this flap. Most of the time, however, it stays closed - just the way I like it.

Some boxers, for no reason I can fathom, are made without this button. This means that there is absolutely nothing holding the front of your boxers closed. I know to keep an eye out for this, but for some reason other people occasionally feel compelled to buy me underwear. Years after I'd discovered this defect, these buttonless boxers continued to show up.

Why is this a big deal, you ask? Well, as we all know, underwear doesn't always stay exactly where is should. Sometimes it moves. Sometimes you find a gaping peephole in the front of your boxers. Sometimes you find your penis has slipped through the hole. Sometimes (hopefully) you get an erection. Where the first two are inconvenient, the third one can be damn painful. There's a zipper up there! I know guys don't like to admit to this, but my penis is pretty sensitive. A zipper is poky and metal people! There's a reason I don't go commando!

So, men and the women who love them, I call on you to take a stand. Buttonless boxers have got to go. This needless tyranny must come to an end! There's no reason for millions of penises to continue to be chafed. BUTTON UP!

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