Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Girls Are Creepy

There are times I'm not a big fan of being a guy. Don't get me wrong, I love women (especially my wife) and if being a guy is what it takes to make this whole thing work, then I'm happy to oblige.

Unfortunately, being a guy also means being associated with the likes of Johnny Knoxville, Ashton Kutcher, Larry the Cable Guy, Pat Robertson, and Tiger Woods. All of these guys are disgusting for one reason or another, the only thing they share is that they're all guys. Things that come with the territory of guyhood include: stinking, spitting, farting, cheating, burping, beating, and oppressing. Not all guys do these things, but these are things associated with all guys. Women who have never been cheated on continue writing songs about generic guy behaviors and as long as "Two and a Half Men" is on, we'll have something to fuel the fire.

Another place where guys have always had the advantage is creepiness. Guys have an inborn adaptation that makes them better at stalking, lurking, glaring, staring, and just being sketchy. Think of the first ten images that come to your mind when you think creepy or sketchy. Are they all guys? Yes. Does this have any relation to the lack of women with handlebar mustaches? Probably.

That said, of late, women seem to be making great strides to catch up with men on the creepy front. This phenomenon was first brought to my attention in the hysteria surrounding the release of the second Twilight film "New Moon". I had assumed the whole obsession with Robert Whats-his-name and Taylor Too-Young-to-be-half-naked-all-over-the-place was powered by the low self-esteem teenybopper crowd. You know, people that shop at Claire's. Then, I saw this picture.

Strange overly booth-tanned women describing themselves as "Twilight Moms" drooling over a sixteen-year-old boy and a twenty something with obvious hygiene deficiencies. Upon further observation, I found it was a widespread phenomenon. Forty something grown ass women drooling over a fictionalized abusive relationship with a sparkly vampire and an angsty teen wolf. I was tempted to write it off as pathetic, but my mind took me back to another time and place.

The year was 2007 and Heroes was the big show on T.V.. I hadn't watched any at that point (simpler less frustrated times) but I was familiar. When perusing the wears of a local comic books shop, I came upon the shop owner and a customer caught in a discussion of Hayden Panettiere and how "F'n hot" she was. Never mind that these two were in their sixties and forties respectively, but the girl had the body of a fourteen year old boy. When they tried to drag me into the conversation I went for the "I prefer women who look like women. You know, with breasts and hips and all that". Easy enough. It struck me as I was walking out that that's why my wife didn't come to the comic shop with me more often.

Yeah, I thought, Twilight mom's are the sketch equivalent of a guy phenomenon that's bugged the hell out of me for a while now. I used to enjoy playing Dead or Alive. Yes, it's sexist, but God is it beautiful. There was no better relief from a day's stress than crushing a hot woman between the thighs of an equally hot woman. That is, till I had the gall to read the instruction book. The DOA crew was nice enough to put together character bios which include such fun facts as height, unrealistic weight, eye color, and age. Apparently, in Japan, this: is what a fourteen year old girl looks like. I don't really play that game any more. It's just too weird.

I find myself wondering why this isn't a big deal. Everybody wants to get rid of the violence in games, but we're fine with encouraging child molestation? Guys, come on!

Of course, the fake girls of DOA have nothing on the weird hysteria surrounding Justin Bieber. I wasn't aware of this kid till I had one of those brushes with pop-culture muck by watching New Years Rockin Eve. They worked a well worn formula. Fergie says Justin, everybody screams. These are, once again, grown ass women mind you. Here, check this picture out.
I count at least three groupies who are old enough to have given birth to this kid, screaming and snapping away. I find it creepy enough that these teen magazines outline the love lives of tweens for other tweens, but if I see another citizen of Cougartown buy a Teen Bop, I swear I beat her to death with her own tanning spray.

Women, you gotta get on this. If women keep it up at this rate, Lifetime is going to go from a assembly line for bad movies to a female Spike TV. I'm not saying women aren't as entitled to eye candy and porn as men, but that within a few weeks half a dozen female comics are going to have to rewrite their entire relationship based routine.

No comments:

Post a Comment